The Stargazer and the Toolmaker

Chapter 7

"Gods I hate Spring."

This had been Rodne's refrain upon waking the last several rainy mornings, and the days following had featured Rodne at his worst, in R'dek's experience.  At first he'd figured that it had to do with the unremitting rain and overcast skies that had held sway for the last several days, but Rodne had endured longer spells of bad weather without descending into such a foul mood.  Eventually, R'dek began to worry that it was his presence that had Rodne so irritable.  Maybe, he feared, Rodne had finally come to miss his solitude, in spite of what he had said at Midwinters.  People can't always tell how they will feel with the passing of time, R'dek knew, and if Rodne was tired of him… then he ought to go, and leave the man in peace.

As the days passed, however, and Rodne's mood stayed dark, it became evident that if it was R'dek's presence that was troubling him, Rodne wasn't going to say anything about it.  He probably felt that he'd made R'dek a promise, and wasn't going to go back on it, even if he regretted it now.  R'dek did not at all wish to be an unwelcome guest, though, and realized that if the air was to be cleared, he would have to make the first move.  R'dek finally nerved himself up to ask the question whose answer he did not really want to hear, after a day where all of Rodne's conversation had come in single syllables.  The man looked as miserable as R'dek felt, and he knew it was time to put an end to both their suffering.

"You know," R'dek said as he finished his bowl of stew which had featured the last of their wild rice.  "If you have come to regret asking me to stay, I will understand.  You did always seem to value your solitude, and maybe you underestimated how much you would miss it.  It is not so unexpected, really."

"What!?"  Rodne's reaction was not the one of relief that R'dek had expected at all.  Rather, there was a look of alarm on Rodne's face as he took in R'dek's words.  "No, gods no; that's not it at all…"  Rodne set down his food, which he'd only been picking at anyhow, and laid his head in his hands.

"I know I've been an absolute asshole for days, I know," he said, unhappily.  "But its nothing to do with you, I swear, R'dek."  Rodne looked up then, and his expression was stricken.  "Please… oh gods, please don't go.  I'll try… I don't know how, but I'll try to do better, I just… Springs are really hard for me, and I never… just… please don't go…"

"No, no, of course not," R'dek said softly, moving to sit at Rodne's side and lay an arm over his shoulder.  "Not if you don't want me to.  But can you tell me what is troubling you?  Why is Spring such a bad time?  If I could understand…?"

"Oh gods, there's so many things," Rodne said with a forlorn sigh, laying his head on R'dek's shoulder.  "The weather sucks, of course, and I won't be able to make any good observations for a moon or more… Spring is when I always start to run low on good food, and the trail to Lakeside is a mess so we won't be able to get any more for a while…  Also… I have some… some really bad memories, too, from other… other Springs… And Spring is when… when… the… the fits… they always come in the Spring."

R'dek let his hands gently stroke Rodne's hair, hoping to calm the man, who he could feel trembling slightly in his arms.  It seemed that Rodne had his own evil memories to contend with, though R'dek supposed that he shouldn't be surprised.  Perhaps if he could get Rodne to share them with him, he could give the man some relief.  And then there was the last thing he had said.

"What… fits?  What do you mean?"  R'dek asked.

Rodne didn't answer right away, but lay against R'dek's side with his eyes closed for a moment before he spoke.  "They happen… two or three times most Springs, sometimes more," he replied at last, with another sigh.  "I don't really remember what happens when they come.  I just… well, I fall down, and I guess I thrash around a lot… Sometimes I bite my tongue."  Rodne's voice held such resignation, it pained R'dek's heart.  The man thought so much of his dignity, and clearly even speaking of this meant surrendering it.

"They never last terribly long… and then I… sort of wake up,"  Rodne continued.  "And I feel like crap for two or three days after."  He sighed.  "I guess it's better that you know, in case it happens when you're around.  Could be kind of alarming if you didn't know."

R'dek secretly vowed not to leave Rodne's side for more than a few moments for the duration of the season.  He would not allow Rodne to suffer this alone again, if he could help it.  "Have you always had these… fits?" he asked aloud.  "Do you know why they only happen in the Spring?"

Once again, Rodne remained silent for a spell, then drew himself away from R'dek's side to take up a stick and poke at the fire they sat before, coaxing the flames a little higher.  He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them so that he sat gazing into the fire close to R'dek but not quite touching him.  "I have an idea, yeah," he answered at last.

"If you do not wish to speak of this…" R'dek began, but Rodne shook his head.

"You… you've shared your bad stuff with me," he said.  "It's only fair.  And maybe…" Rodne shook his head, contesting with a hope he seemed to think futile.  "Maybe it will help, a little.  I've never… never told anyone about most of it."

"Whatever you wish, Rodne," R'dek said gently, reaching out to touch Rodne's shoulder for a moment.  "What ever you would like to share with me, I am happy to listen."

"I should probably start at the beginning then," Rodne said, his voice flat, resigned, yet he hesitated before beginning.  "Spring… Spring was when my parents left me."  Rodne said at last, then fell silent again after that, prodding at the fire once more, not to any real effect but, R'dek suspected, to have something else to focus on for a moment.  He waited in companionable silence for Rodne to continue.

"Our village was flooded," he said eventually.  "The creek rose during the night and had carried half the families away before we had any idea.  When we gathered the next morning, those of us who were left, I was the only little kid who'd survived.  I had six, maybe seven summers by then… I was never sure."

Rodne lifted the stick he'd been using to prod the fire and gazed for a moment at the little coal that glowed on its end.  He stared at it until the coal went out, and then set it down on the floor again.

"They all decided to leave," he continued, "because it looked like the creek was going to take the rest of the village before too long, so everyone collected whatever was left, which wasn't much, and headed down the trail.  No one had any idea of where we were going, I think.  They just knew we couldn't stay there any more."

Even as Rodne tried to keep his voice level and unemotional, R'dek could not fail to hear the loneliness and sorrow hidden in his words.  He wanted to hold the man, and the lonely, frightened child lost in his memories, but Rodne had drawn himself away, needing this small amount of isolation to bring his tale to light, and so R'dek left him his space.

"By the second day I knew I was slowing them all down," Rodne said after another small pause.  "My parents tried to carry me for a little while, but no one had very much food… They just weren't strong enough, and I was too big to be carried anyway… but I couldn't really keep up either.  My mother kept telling the others to wait… but by the third day people were starting to give both my parents… looks.  They thought I wouldn't notice… wouldn't know what it meant, but… well, I was always a little smarter than people expected."

R'dek lowered his head into his hands, knowing what came next, but dreading to hear it anyway.

"So, on the fourth morning," Rodne carried on with a little sigh, "I woke up by the fire alone.  All they left me was the clothes I was wearing and a single piece of hide, and my mother probably had to fight with them to let me keep it.  They couldn't afford to leave me with any food."  Now Rodne fell silent again, picking up the fire stick once more to stir it amongst the coals at the fire's edge.

"I don't really blame them," he said, gaze locked on the patterns the stick made.  "They did what they had to.  Even then I understood.  I was a smart kid."  Rodne let the stick fall from his fingers, lowering his head to rest on his arms where they wrapped around his knees once again.  "It wasn't anyone's fault," he added quietly.  "It just happened."

R'dek wanted to cry, Rodne's philosophical resignation more painful to hear even than the tragic events he spoke of.  That he had survived was a miracle, but R'dek had a sorrowful feeling that the price of that survival, which he had yet to hear of, would break his heart even more.

"I knew I had to find food," Rodne's words seemed to be coming on their own now, flowing from him without any volition. "So I headed back the way we'd come, because I knew that we'd passed a little settlement the day before.  The man there had driven us off, said he had no place for us… but there had been people there, so I knew there had to be some food, and I was already really hungry.  It took me most of the day to get there, and when I came to the biggest hut and called out to ask for help the man there told me to piss off. He didn't even come out of his hut to see who I was."

Rodne broke his narrative only briefly for a sigh, then went on.  "So I sat down in the mud and started to cry… and I stayed there until the man's wife came in from the fields and saw me.  She felt sorry for me… and I must have looked pretty pathetic because I hadn't eaten all day and I'd been sitting in the mud crying for hours… so she gave me some stale bread and then went in and told the man that she wanted to keep me.  There was a big fight… and I almost ran away again, but the woman had given me food so I figured there was a chance…  And in the end the man said that I could stay, but that I had make myself useful, and I'd have to sleep with the dogs, in a shed out behind the hut."  Rodne fell silent again for a moment, though he did not move either, then he drew another breath and continued.

"And that's where I lived for the next eight summers."

"Surely," R'dek said after a moment, needing to fill the silence, "you mean in that village, not…"  But Rodne was shaking his head.

"No, no," he said, so unemotionally he might have been speaking about somewhere his cat slept.  "I slept in that shed with that asshole's fucking dogs for the next eight years."  R'dek found himself struck speechless, and could only wait for Rodne to continue.

"Gods I hate dogs," he said eventually.  "I hate the way they smell, the annoying noises they make, their wretched little hierarchies and social rituals…" He trailed off for a moment, then reflected, "Still, those damned dogs probably cared more for me than anyone else in that shit-hole of a village.  It was the most miserable place I've ever been."

"Something must have happened to the men there, some time in the past," he said after another short pause, "because when I first came all the other men there, besides the man with the dogs, they were either pretty young or crippled, and they were all afraid of him.  His kids were even afraid of him, but that was probably because he beat them whenever he was in a crappy mood, which was every few days or so.  They were mighty pleased when I happened along, because that meant that he might end up beating me instead of one of them, and because whenever he was being shitty to them then they could turn around and be as shitty as they wanted to me."

Radek had passed through settlements like this in his travels, and he never stayed.  They were ugly, despairing places and he would much rather sleep under a bush and take his chances with wild animals than subject himself to a night in such a place.  The fact that Rodne had endured eight summers in one such explained a lot about him.

"His wife hated him too," Rodne continued.  "And they fought all the time, especially when he wanted sex and she didn't, which was almost always.  Even the dogs hid from him after one of those fights… and they were always the worst in the Spring."  Rodne lifted his head to scrub at his face, scratching his hair and beard, as though chasing some remembered sensation away.

"It was in my fifth Spring there, after one of those fights… and then that day one of his favorite dogs came in from the woods all torn up… He cared more for those fucking dogs than he did for anyone else… and she died later that night."  Radek could tell that even now, the horror and dread of those memories still lived in Rodne's heart, and he seemed to actually be cringing as he related what happened next.

"His kids all knew to hide at times like that… even his wife had someplace else to stay… but I didn't.  It was Spring, and it was cold and rainy, and I didn’t have anyplace else to go but the dog shed, and he knew that.  He came and found me there, and he… he pretty much beat the living shit out of me."

R'dek felt his hands curl into fists, in helpless rage against a man who was probably years dead already.  He bit his lip to stop himself from crying out in sorrow at what Rodne had endured, for Rodne had not yet finished his tale, and R'dek knew he had to finish it, uninterrupted.

"I don't really… remember much about it now, of course," Rodne said, speaking softly, but still carefully neutral.  "But I couldn't see quite right, or walk straight for more than a half a moon after that… And I'm pretty sure that's when the fits started."

"Dear gods…" R'dek said softly, in spite of his resolve not to interrupt Rodne's narrative, but his horror could not be contained.  Rodne's genius could have so easily been snuffed out, or damaged for life, by this vile creature.  Rodne seemed not to notice the interruption, though, or he didn't care.  He was lost in his own narrative now, compelled to continue.

"I don't know why I didn't leave, after that," he said.  "I mean, yes, I wasn't really myself for moons after that beating, and then it was Winter.  Then the next Spring was the first time I had the fits… And by then the man's wife had kind of started looking after me.  Not that she cared about me, really, but I worked harder, and was way smarter than any of her own kids, and she was starting to get old, and needed help with a lot of things."  Rodne lifted his head to gaze into the fire again.  "And I didn't really have anywhere to go."

"How did you finally come to leave, then," R'dek eventually asked, knowing he'd never be able to rest until he knew how Rodne had gotten out of that wretched place.

"Oh, that was because of Leeta," Rodne laughed humorlessly.  "Which is pretty funny when you think about it.  After all the abuse and everything I'd put up with… it was a girl, who never even treated me that badly, that finally got me to leave."  Rodne shook his head in chagrin.  "But whenever anyone hit me or kicked me… or called me 'dog boy'… I always told myself that I could leave, anytime… When I realized what Leeta wanted, though… I realized that I would never be able to leave… I'd be stuck there forever… and that scared me so bad, I took off in the middle of the night, and I never looked back."

R'dek waited in silence for several long breaths before he succumbed to temptation, too caught up in the tale not to.  "What… what did she want?" he asked at last.

"A baby," Rodne said bluntly.  "And to be honest, she might have actually gotten one, but I didn't stay long enough to find out."  Rodne picked the fire stick up once more, pushing the logs together to bring the fire up again.  "And I suppose that makes me some sort of asshole, too, leaving her like that with a kid of mine to care for alone.  She had a… a hare lip, and was the one other person in the village who was treated almost as bad as me, and she told me… on the last night we were… together, that if she had a husband and a baby then the others would have to treat her with a little respect."

Rodne dropped the fire stick and lowered his head again, speaking softly now, his words tinged with shame.  "But I didn't want any of that.  I was a boy with only fourteen or fifteen summers, and all she told me she wanted at first was sex.  How was I supposed to say no to that?"

R'dek found that while he could listen to Rodne speak of loneliness, pain, humiliation and sorrow, he could not bear to hear his shame.  He moved finally, to wrap him arms around his lover and pull him close, laying his head on his shoulder and letting the words of comfort he had kept inside all along spill out at last.

"No, no, no… miláčku…" he murmured.  "You have done nothing wrong… only what you had to… only what you needed to survive… Do not ever let anyone tell you otherwise."

R'dek felt Rodne's arms tighten around him, felt him tremble with all the emotions his wretched memories had left him with, and found that he wanted to match every blow that Rodne had received with a kiss, counter every rough word with a kind one, and determined to start now.

Holding Rodne in his arms, R'dek told him that he was kind and beautiful and brave and ever so brilliant, and kissed him on his face and throat and over his heart, which R'dek told him was greater than any heart he had ever known.  Eventually, actions won out over words and R'dek dragged Rodne back to the bed to love him within an inch of his life, and little by little he could see Rodne's ghosts being driven away, for now.

Curled close to his lover as they fell asleep that night, R'dek reflected that Rodne's evil memories would not be so easily exorcised as his own, as bad as his were.  Too much of what Rodne had suffered in his youth had left lasting scars, the fits being among them.  Still, he was aware that his presence in Rodne's life was doing more to silence Rodne's old ghosts, and ease his sorrows, than anything he'd ever had in his life before.

R'dek had seen and done many fine things in his life, he knew.  He had traveled far, learned much, and partaken of many joys and many sorrows.  It said much, then, to own that being a companion to this man might be the finest thing he had ever done, but R'dek was increasingly sure that it was.  What was more, he thought, even if he never did anything finer in his life, he knew he would be more than well satisfied.  Harboring such thoughts, holding close to this man, R'dek found it easy to succumb to sleep, and so he did.

While the weather remained problematic for the next moon or so, and Rodne's mood remained dark, R'dek could tell that he strove to mitigate how much R'dek bore the brunt of it.  R'dek was touched to see this, and for his part found that he could endure much of it philosophically, understanding as he did now, where it sprang from.

R'dek watched carefully for any signs of the fits Rodne spoke of, and while he meant his attention to be surreptitious, he suspected that Rodne wasn't fooled.  He didn't object either, however, and R'dek wondered if maybe he wasn't secretly comforted to know that he was being looked after.  He hoped he was.

Rodne had mentioned his condition once again, as they had come to discuss the increasingly meager contents of their pantry.  He told R'dek how he had learned that the absence of certain foods, especially fresh greens, seemed to bring them on with greater frequency, and so had gotten into the habit of seeking out these foods as early as possible in the Spring.  To that end, he explained, he had discovered certain high meadows which tended to free themselves of snow sooner than the others, where he could find a kind of wild onion that he found himself craving at this time of year.

As the weather began to give them the occasional fair day, the two of them would hike to an opening in the trees above the cave where they could see some distance, and Rodne pointed out to R'dek the far off meadows which he watched.  After many such hikes, there finally came a day when one of the meadows they had been watching revealed itself in brilliant green, and Rodne told R'dek to prepare for full day's journey the next day (assuming the weather remained fair).

It was, in fact, more than fair and R'dek set out at Rodne's side that morning with a light heart.  The air was alive with the smells of newly revealed earth and growing things, bird songs filled his ears, and even if the visual details of the land around him were not clear, the he could still see the pale green and bright yellow colors of new growth here and there, and they were a welcome change from the stark, colorless beauty of snow and ice.  Even Rodne seemed to be in a somewhat improved mood, no doubt because last night he'd had the first clear sky to view the stars in a quarter moon or more, but R'dek suspected that getting out of the cave and into the sun was doing him a power of good as well.

They stopped at midday to lunch on dried fish and cold acorn pancakes at a place where they could see their eventual goal, not too far distant.  They'd had to cross a few ice crusted snow fields, and plenty of muddy patches to get this far, and now Rodne pointed out that there was one slightly treacherous looking bit of clambering that would be necessary to reach the meadow, but Rodne assured R'dek that he'd made this trip many times, and that it wasn't so tough.  R'dek said he'd take his word for it.

When they finally came to the short cliff face they had to climb down to reach the meadow, Rodne went first and then talked a very nervous R'dek all the way down, foothold by foothold.  R'dek had no fondness for precipitous landscapes such as this, where sudden drops and other dangers might be too easily missed by his unreliable eyesight.  Much of this meadow was bordered by a sharp drop, too steep even for the mountain goats who had left much evidence of their presence here, to manage, and R'dek determined to remain in the middle as he unshouldered his pack and extracted his digging stick.

Rodne was doing the same in another spot, a little closer to the edge than R'dek liked, but there wasn't much R'dek could say about that.   Rodne had, after all, been managing on his own without R'dek to look out for him for many years, and so, mindful of this, R'dek focused on the task of spotting and digging up the small wild onions that Rodne had brought them here to find.

Most certainly, R'dek reflected, Rodne was not the only one who craved these small, pungently flavored bulbs just now, and the first few that R'dek found he brushed the dirt off of and ate right there.  Dug now, the flavor was not so strong as it would be later in the year, when they were better used in flavoring other foods, and R'dek savored the pleasant, sharp spice as he crunched each bulb between his teeth.

After a long winter of dried foods and the occasional bit of fresh meat, the fresh greens tasted like Spring, and eating them was like letting the Spring sunlight into his body.  It filled him with the same energy that brought out all the new life that he could see bursting forth around him, and made him feel just a little bit young again.

A little ways across the meadow, R'dek could hear Rodne's wordless appreciation of this year's first fresh greens, as he too ate the little wild onion bulbs as he was digging them up.  R'dek smiled to himself as he worked, now eating every other bulb he dug, and soon enough he had a little pile of them built up.  He tended to work in silence, but Rodne, possibly as a result of having lived alone for so long, talked to himself as he worked.

"Ah," Rodne muttered, "here's a nice big patch, good, good… ooh and some healthy sized ones too… yeah, I am so eating this one right now… oh, way to put your knee in the goat shit, genius…"

This remark was followed by Rodne scrambling to his feet and then making his way to the precipitous edge of the meadow to find a hand full of longer grass with which to wipe his knee off.  R'dek found himself grinning at the colorful invective Rodne was applying towards the goats as he scrubbed the mess off his knee with the grass in his hand, when he stopped suddenly, looking up as though he'd seen or heard something.

"What…?" Rodne seemed to ask, sounding strangely vague and, though R'dek could not say how he knew that something was wrong, he did, and stood abruptly.  He strode quickly towards Rodne, in spite of the fact that that he was standing very close to the edge of the meadow, so that when Rodne suddenly lurched, flailing heedlessly in the direction of the cliff's edge, R'dek was within grabbing distance.

R'dek's first grab at Rodne's wildly swinging arm missed, and for one heart-stopping moment he saw Rodne's knees give way and his body jerk in such a way that would have sent him hurtling over the edge, had R'dek not made a second, desperate attempt.  With both arms outstretched, R'dek threw himself at Rodne, grabbing at his legs and getting hold of one.  R'dek held on for dear life as Rodne's body thrashed and flailed, and after a moment or two he was able to drag him back, away from the edge of the cliff.

Clear in his mind now as to exactly what was happening, R'dek forced his digging stick between Rodne's teeth to prevent him biting his tongue, wrapped his arms around his lover, and held him firmly.   As Rode's struggles slowly lessened R'dek freed a hand to stroke his hair, murmuring soft comforts while he waited for the fit to pass.

"I've got you; I've got you," R'dek chanted softly.  "You're safe… you're going to be okay; I've got you."  R'dek had a feeling that it was the sound of his voice rather than the meaning of his words that was making any impression on Rodne, but he kept up his litany until the man in his arms fell still at last.  He fell so still that R'dek found himself placing his fingers on Rodne's throat in dread, but the pulse of life still thrummed rapidly beneath his touch, and R'dek felt a bone-deep relief.

It was a long while before Rodne stirred, coming to himself with a low moan, and R'dek leaned over to gently kiss his forehead.

"Rodne?" he asked tentatively, not sure if his memory might have been affected by the fit.

Rodne reached up a hand to find one of R'dek's and gripped it weakly.  "R'dek?" he asked, sounding drained and a little lost.  "I… did I…?"

R'dek nodded, lifting the hand that gripped his to kiss it.

"Fuck," Rodne said quietly, blinking his eyes and looking around as if recollecting just where he was.  "I was… I was over…?"  He waved his free hand feebly in the general direction of the cliff where he'd been working.

"You were," R'dek said.  "I pulled you over here."

"Crap," said Rodne weakly, and then, "One of these days my defects are going to kill me, eh?"

R'dek recognized the words as ones he'd spoken shortly after he'd first met Rodne, when he'd rescued him from the snowstorm, and he shook his head.  "Rodne…" he said softly.

"Almost did there, didn't they?" Rodne asked, the unsteadiness of his voice revealing his fear now.

"No," R'dek little more than whispered.  "No, I would not let you… will never…"  He swallowed, his own fear at what had almost happened setting in at last. "I think… I think I have grown to care about you… very much."

"Yeah," said Ronde, his own voice rough and shaking.  "I… I think… me too… Thanks."

R'dek pulled Rodne up to sit, back to his chest, and held him close and tight, feeling the shakes start in Rodne, and Rodne held R'dek's arms with all his remaining strength.  They remained there for some time, until the sun came to hover over the horizon, and R'dek knew that they would not want to spend the night on this exposed mountain meadow.

"Rodne," he spoke gently.  "If you can move, I think we should leave here before it gets dark.  There is no shelter, and no firewood, and we do not have enough clothing to keep us warm when night comes."

"Yeah, I know," Rode agreed weakly.  "I think I can manage it, but I'm going to need your help."

"Of course," said R'dek.  "Though you will still need to be my eyes."

As far as that went, at least climbing up the steep incline they'd descended to get to the meadow was a bit easier than going down had been.  They did it side by side, Rodne guiding R'dek's hands and feet, and R'dek lending his strength where it was needed.  Rodne was exhausted and shaking again when they arrived at the top, and R'dek sought out a good camping spot for them, protected from the wind by a dense thicket of brush.  He left Rodne bedded down there in a pile of dry leaves for a short time, while he went in search of some firewood.

After he'd returned and gotten a small, warming fire going, R'dek coaxed Rodne into eating the last acorn pancake and some of the onions they'd gathered, while he dined on more of the dried fish.  He then piled the leaves deeply around Rodne, laid himself at Rodne's back, so that he lay between R'dek and the fire, and settled in for the night.  It was a long cold night, and R'dek slept little, if at all.

The journey back to the cave was difficult and arduous and took most of the day.  When they finally arrived, around dusk, R'dek was utterly exhausted and Rodne was barely able to keep on his feet.  Rodne hadn't eaten anything all day but a few of the wild onions, and R'dek had had nothing but the last piece of dried fish, and now both of them were too tired to eat.  Still, R'dek was certain that Rodne ought to be made to eat something and, after rummaging about in their fairly empty pantry, found the last bit of pemmican.

He returned to where Rodne was dozing in the bed, as R'dek had left him, and he was extremely hard to rouse, making unhappy, complaining noises when he finally did, but R'dek was determined to get him to eat.

"Your body is sure to need nourishment after such an episode," R'dek said, feeding him little bits of pemmican.  "And I think it must be a very bad idea for you to sleep now without any."

"Yeah, that's what Caresn always said," Rodne answered, leaning tiredly into R'dek's side as he fed him.  "Oh, yeah, and there's some herbs he said I should take too… the little green jar at the back of the pantry… it has some dried herbs in it that he gave me to steep in hot water and drink whenever I've had one of my fits."

"So that's what that is," R'dek replied with a little smile, and went to get them.  He spent the next three days nursing Ronde, coaxing him to eat the fresh acorn flour pancakes he made, and the broth made from the dried fish and wild onions.  He made Rodne's herb drink and even went out and gathered fresh pine greens, after they'd eaten all the onions, and then made Rodne eat them.  They weren't terribly good, R'dek knew, but he'd eaten them before when he'd found himself craving fresh greens at Winter's end, and he was fairly sure that they were something Rodne ought to have now.

By the end of the third day, however, R'dek could see that some of the sparkle had returned to Rodne's eyes, and the worrisome listlessness that had gripped him since his fit seemed to have departed at last.  Other desires seemed to have wakened in the man as well, as R'dek burrowed under the covers to sleep next to Rodne that night, and found Rodne's hands, warm and lively, exploring R'dek's body in a way they had not in several days.

"Thank you," he heard Rodne murmur as his lips caressed the skin under his ear.

"What… what for?" R'dek asked as his own hands touched and claimed territory neglected for too long.

"For… for caring for me… the last few days," Rodne said, pausing in his attentions to meet R'dek's eyes.  "It's usually… awful, the days after a fit… Making myself eat, and feeling so crappy… Having someone to take care of me… I've never… well, only once, with Caresn… but I never thought…"  Rodne swallowed and lifted a hand to caress R'dek's cheek.  "I never thought I'd ever have anyone… who would care… And it's not so bad… with you here."

R'dek had to kiss him then, to say what words could not, that he would always care, and always be there for Rodne, as long as he was able.  Rodne's answering kiss was full of gratitude and desire, and love too, though it was a word neither of them had spoken.  It was understood now, and R'dek was content.

He was more than content to feel Rodne's dexterous fingers find his hardening sex and stroke it, pleasuring him with all the love he'd spoken of in his kiss.  R'dek gave voice to his pleasure and desire without words, letting his body move, his hips thrust, in response to Rodne's touches.  It had been too many days since they had last pleasured each other, and in the intervening time they had both bad scares, so R'dek allowed himself to be indulged.

Tonight they would not bother with finesse, would not trouble themselves with trying to draw things out.  R'dek simply gave himself over to the pleasurable sensations of Rodne's firm, warm hand on his cock, thrusting in counterpoint to his stroking until he was climaxing, spilling his release over Rodne's hand.  Rodne's mouth was claiming his a moment later, stealing his breath before he'd hardly caught it again, but R'dek didn’t care.

When Rodne's mouth eventually relinquished his, R'dek knew what he wanted and dove beneath the furs to find it.  Rodne's hard cock filled his mouth like nothing else, and filled his heart in a way he could not explain.  As before, his goal was not to prolong pleasure, but to bring release, greedily, as expediently as possible.  Rodney's groans were music to his ears, his fingers now clutching at R'dek's hair welcome and desired.  Moving his mouth up and down on Rodne's shaft, R'dek sucked and tongued and used all the skills he possessed to bring Rodne pleasure, and soon enough he was tasting Rodne's seed, hearing Rodne's cries of completion.

Emerging from beneath the furs, R'dek found Rodne's mouth again, kissing more gently, both of them feeling relaxed and sated now.  Their kissing eventually devolved into sleepy cuddling, and soon enough R'dek found himself drifting, his own compact body curled into Rodne's larger one.  His thoughts wandered, as sleep approached, and as he reminisced about how pleasant it was to have his mouth filled with Rodne's cock, it occurred to him that having Rodne's cock fill him in other ways might be fairly pleasant as well.  The thought sparked his curiosity, a sensation R'dek knew all too well, and he knew, as sleep claimed him at last, that the question would plague him now, until he finally found its answer.